Day 6 of the retreat has proved to be yet another day filled with inspiration and hope. I was able to exhale deeply and finally read some of my memoir to my amazing group members! They were so warm and genuine in their responses. I feel rejuvenated and all the insecurities I felt have melted away. Thanks again to the amazing women in my group including Dr. Zamora for being so kind, generous and loving. I’m less afraid and hesitant now to share more of myself thanks to you all. I have to say listening to all your amazing projects was also a wonderful experience. Like I mentioned in one of my past blog posts I believe that listening and hearing someone is a true skill. So I intently listened to and heard all your powerful stories and projects that are in progress. I was amazed at the talent, it was so emotional that we all found ourselves in tears. I’m excited to see this writing program flourish with new fresh faces and such diverse and beautiful voices. It’s exactly what we need! I’m learning so much about myself from all of you, and it’s comforting to know that many of you have shared some of the same struggles as me. It’s true when they say you never really know what another person has gone through, until you hear their story. It makes me feel less alone, more hopeful and I feel a stronger sense of FAITH that everything will be okay. Well I guess as Dr. Zamora would say that’s my shout outs of the day! Bravo to all of you! Thanks for inspiring me and helping me reinforce that I’m heading in the right direction with my thesis project. The Seashell is truly a passion project for me and it means so much to me that you embraced it so warmly.
It was interesting after I read a portion of my memoir to my group I found myself thinking a lot about my past and regrets. Sometimes I wonder that if I had made different choices along the way that my life could be so very different right now. Like if I just didn’t choose to stay with that crappy guy for so many years, or if I never dropped out of college, if I would have moved out of state, or why didn’t I keep around the nice guy who treated me well but had a weird hairline? I could be married right now and off of Bumble! Oh vey why me?! All these questions swirled through my mind in a blur. I actually found myself laying my head back, closing my eyes trying to stop the spinning. The truth is I used to second guess myself a lot more in my 20’s. I was plagued with this idea of past regrets and what that means for my life. Luckily now in my late 30’s finally I’ve come to realize that I’m here, exactly where I’m supposed to be, where I’m meant to be, at this exact moment in my life. Although I’m currently mending a slightly broken heart from yet again another failed “almost” relationship with someone I saw real potential with, (he was so dreamy) I realize even through the disappointment I currently feel and the harsh realization and inner dialogue that washes over me saying: “Hey times running out, this is it kid, you might be doing life solo.” Even through those negatives thoughts and emotions, I still feel empowered knowing that I’m right here, right now, where I’m supposed to be.
Even in this shitty, heartbroken, less ideal state of mind that I find myself in today, I’m here. Wow the only cool thing about getting old and pushing 40 is more self awareness and way less self loathing! Cool! I think I felt compelled to write this in my blog post and share it with you all because it shows me the power of free writing. I found myself doing the write for the day exercises and it led me to think about my past, my mistakes, regrets and where I am today despite all of it. I also think sharing part of my memoir with my group also awakened a lot of old emotional baggage and complex feelings within me. I even sometimes wondered if my past mistakes made my mental illness worse? Was it all my fault, my doing? But through a lot of self reflection, deep introspection, through my love of expressive writing and many more healthy outlets I’ve explored over the years, I don’t dwell on my past and all the crappy mistakes I made. Sure it might eat me up a bit inside but I’m only human. I forgive myself for it and I’m much more gentle with myself then I ever was before. I find myself being able to embrace it all and at the same time release it all. Out into the universe. Again, writing wow what a powerful instrument for self love and change. I thank God everyday he gave me the gift and love of writing. I think he secretly knew what a hot mess I would be and decided to cut me a break, so he gave me the talent and skill to write and release all my inner pain and strife! I always knew I had a guardian angel watching over me, I feel it. God is good. Oh and don’t forget it always helps to have a little FAITH! Thanks for that Jada. I posted two of my favorite musical artists below just in case you wanted to take a listen! See you all tomorrow! Xo.